Healing from Vaginal Procedures

I never thought I would write this post. Many have given me feedback about being courageous about my previous posts. This one is the first I had a really hard time writing about, but it’s also therefore I believe it’s the most important.

In my early 20s I had an abortion. I had a one night stand and to be honesty I don’t remember if we used a condom or not, I just remember I was very surprised when I realized I was pregnant. I might also have been in denial for a while, because by the time I figured it out I was already at 9 weeks. Which meant that because I wanted to have an abortion I needed to do it with surgery.

In my early 30s I found out that I had cell changes, that needed surgery as well. So I had part of my cervix removed to avoid this developing into cancer.

These are the only surgeries I’ve had, I was very scared doing both. So scared, so that even though I consider myself very close to my family. This post, if they read it, will be the first they hear about it.

Shame is part of that, particularly for the abortion as I was embarrassed to not have protected myself, and also because abortion is such a dividing topic. The cervix surgery I did’t share because I didn’t want them to worry for me, so I thought I was protecting them by not saying anything.

When I was at my first ayahuasca retreat the first week was a lot about the abortion. I didn’t really understand how much that had affected me. As part of my one of the ceremonies I got to say goodbye to the soul that I had aborted. This was such a beautiful experience. As I said I felt a lot of shame about the abortion, so I didn’t talk with that many people about it, and definitely didn’t feel into what it meant for me nor for that soul. At the time I didn’t knew if I believed it had a soul, I tried not to think about it and pushed it away.

After the meeting that soul I now believe that an embryo has a soul. But I also believe that this soul for some reason wanted this life experience. And that this soul was waiting for this connection and forgiveness.

I can talk more about that later, but to get back on track. The first week with ayahuasca I sat with this a lot an processed it now, instead of when it happened and after that first week however, I felt I could leave it behind me. Or so I thought.

3 weeks ago I went to a Womb and Yoni massage in Bali. I have done this before but I’ve never been ready for someone to actually massage inside my yoni (vagina). The previous times by body has not accepted that and now I understand that this was because I had not processed my experiences with the abortion.

This time however I felt ready and it was such an interesting experience. A yoni massage is not intended to be a sexual experiance, contrary to what many may think. It an incorrect assumption because this is the only relationship with have with our genitals. Instead a Yoni massage is a way to heal by releasing stored emotional tension in the pelvic region.

For me this experience a few weeks back was a revolution. I think it was the first time every my vagina was treated with pure love. First I was scared. I got flashbacks to both my surgeries and I once again thought I was not open. But that was just a message that this is what my muscles in the pelvic region remember. They remember the cold tools and the cutting. Because this was their experience even though I was sedated and couldn’t feel it. My muscles new.

So during this very loving treatment I could feel the tensions releasing and I began feeling things that I have not felt for years. Sensations that I had forgotten about.

All because they were so closed down because of fear.

I don’t think that I would have been able to experience that if I first had not gotten in contact with the memories and processed them. So both experiences was necessary, first the morning and forgiveness to myself and that soul and then the physical healing of the muscles releasing the fear that they had held on to from the surgeries.

So why am I sharing this? Because if any memory awakens in you from reading this I wish for you to look at it, to heal it and to ask for help. To not feel as much shame as I did and to know that there is a way to let it go.