I’m afraid of being an entrepreneur

And if you lose your people, you have to ask for help. I didn’t and somewhere along the way what was excitement turned into anxiety which eventually turned into fear.

As the fall is approaching (Yes, I know for the most of you summer is just starting, but I’ve been on leave so long that it feels like mine is soon ending). I’ve started to connect more and more to work. I’m doing some work related projects and thinking about what I will do when I return this fall. But noting have truly excited me, instead it has just felt heavy and uninspiring. Initially I thought I was just tired, but as time has gone on and I’ve gotten more an more energy and excitement for non-work related projects I’ve come to realize that it’s not an energy thing.

But sometimes you need a slap in the face to make you realize whats going on. Two different conversations with two of my best friends, quite heated ones, made me realize this during the weekend.

I’m afraid of being an entrepreneur.

For those of you who know me that might sound insane, but the thing is it wasn’t always like this.

Anyway, I’ve been trying to understand this fear, where it’s coming from and what it is to understand how to handle it.

And I think it boils down to four feelings - shame, guilt, lack of safety and pressure and all that together have made me afraid.

First of all shame, growing up I didn’t have any entrepreneurs around me, the first time I really got in contact with the idea of building a company was a class in highschool that really excited me and made me find this path. But the public opinion of entrepreneurs around me was that they were greedy and tax avoiders, and that they where earning based on others. This wasn’t a problem in the beginning because I was’t earning that much money, but along the way it stopped me from focusing on profitability because I was a shamed of what people may think of me.

Second, guilt. I feel so fortunate for my life, my opportunities and everything I’ve gotten to experience. But in relation to others this has turned into guilt. So many times when I’ve been excited about something, I’ve not shared it, because I’ve felt it’s many times unfair and I don’t want to rub it in. You know the story from “eat up you food, think of the children in Africa.” This feeling of guilt has many times taken from the experience because I cannot truly enjoy it.

Third, lack of safety. In 2021, the year after my company took of, I broke up with my boyfriend and my mum got in a coma - I lost the two most important people in my life. Now I understand that I had put a lot of my confidence in my ability to run a company in them, so not only was I dealing with that loss, I also didn’t have my confidence and support around me which made everything much more scary.

Fourth, pressure. Starting in 2022 I think we where about 17 people in the company if I’m not mistaken. That was a lot of responsibility to focus on when I think what I needed was to lay down in bed and cry. Instead I hid a way at work, trying to make everything feel great there and taking on way to much myself. At the same time I didn’t realize of how fast the company had grown and how much I didn’t know about running a company nor even knew that I needed to know. So responsibility quickly turned into pressure.

I spent 2022 year, trying to keep the company afloat, not ever having the time to take a step back and reflect. Because taking a step back would mean I needed to feel my feelings. And to be fair, to all those trying to help me, I was not able to take things in, because it was all to much.

In the beginning of 2023 some room opened up, and we managed to start the process to hire a new CEO who started later in the year. This eventually gave me the opportunity to take this break.

But these three years have really given me some sort of entrepreneurial ptsd. A text message saying “we need to talk” or “this client have ended the contract” put me into panic mode and my whole body has cramped up.

Finally though the last two messages that came in (on this team), I could take with more ease and I didn’t panic. Instead I could stay with the belief that life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you.

So maybe I’m not afraid anymore?

Looking back, I wish

1. I had taken more time for refection and to feel my feelings

2. I would have had some sort of technique for allowing people to help me (still looking for this one - tips anyone?)

3. I would have dared to ask for more help

4. I would have surrounded myself with more people who do the same journey as I and talk more to them

For me writing has become a tool in processing, I write daily now, and summarizing this for you made me come to some clarity for my self to.

Today I have a fantastic CEO running the company and many teammates joining just joining in as part owners. I have an experienced and stable Chairwoman of the board, and another board member that has always believed in me. And most important of all, I’ve processed a lot of my emotions, and wow did I reflect a lot.

So let’s make that a statement: I’m not afraid anymore.

Now let’s shift that anxiety into excitement, you can actually do that with your mind a friend once taught me and get excited about this new chapter in my entreprenurial journey as an employee in my own company.

I hope sharing this helps you in anyway, and if it does I would love a comment or a heart.